Are you wondering how to survive the holidays?
Many of us find the holidays an idyllic time where we take a break from work and gather with loved ones. In our culture, there is an expectation to spend much of this time with family. Yet, for many people this is not an idyllic experience. Rather, it can be extremely difficult if not distressing. This may be the result of loss and grief or it might be the result of trauma, or a combination thereof. For those who find themselves anxious about what the holidays may bring, this is for you to help you survive the holidays. If you’re the sort of person who relishes in the bliss of it all, this is for you to help those close to you who may be struggling this year.
This is a two-part series blog on surviving the holidays, addressing Grief and Toxic Families. Part One will cover grief, the main stages of grief, and a few ways to help in your grief and still make the holidays meaningful. Part Two will cover some strategies dealing with toxic families, remaining healthy, and establishing boundaries when you find yourself face to face with family or people who steal your joy or turn it into pain. Due to scheduling constraints, we’ve combined both articles into one large piece.
Part One: Grief
Grief comes in many forms and is usually the result of loss or dramatic change. These stages are usually denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages do not necessarily happen in any particular order. It can be quite common to alternate from one stage to another and back again. Learning to recognize our grief and which stage we’re in will help us to work through that grief and live a healthy and joy-filled life.
Holidays, any holidays, but particularly the holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas which heavily focus on time with our loved ones can be especially difficult. That first year after loss is often the most difficult. Hopefully, every year following gets a little easier to celebrate. This may sound like you only get a year to grieve. That’s not how grief works. Yet, that year of firsts continues to bring sharp reminders. If you are prepared, you can find healing in the coming seasons.
Here are a few tips to help you prepare, survive, and maybe come through these holidays a little more healed.
Have A Plan
Holidays can be unpredictable. Any time we gather for a special occasion, there is always a plan (or tradition) for the major gathering and feasting times. Yet, what happens before, after, and during can bring many surprises. We’re not at our best when we are reactive. So, it’s right to have a plan.
As you make your plan, think about how you’re doing, what should you do, when’s the best time to do it, where’s the best place to do it, and what should you avoid. Consider who are the people you will encounter, what do you know about them, what do you know about how they’re reacting to what’s going on. Acknowledge to yourself what are the particular circumstances you’re in and your stage of grief.
When you make this plan, recognize your needs and your vulnerabilities. Make it a flexible plan where you pay attention to your physical and emotional energy. This allows you to have some say and control in what you experience.
Expect Pain
You will feel pain during the holiday season for several years. Not weeks or months, years. That doesn’t mean crippling or overwhelming pain, but there will remain a twinge of pain, a twinge of grief, that remembers your sense of loss. The pain may diminish, yet there is a residual effect. Sometimes, due to other factors in the family or your life, the pain might be intensified.
It’s not abnormal.
Something may trigger you, a song, a show, a picture, or maybe encountering someone else who is experiencing similar grief. When that happens, go with it. It’s normal. Recognize the holidays season will be a blend of hurt and joy. It’s okay to feel both.
Prioritize and Pace
What’s more important in your plan. If your gatherings are overwhelming full, pick one or two things that are most important, what you really want to do this holiday. Let those be your goals and everything else is bonus but not necessity.
Things can get frantic. When we’re fatigued from grieving, it’s even more difficult. So, lower your expectations of yourself. You don’t have to do it all, you don’t even have to do much. You need to do good self-care. When you’re feeling overwhelmed, step back and take a moment to breath. This is a guilt free break because it is part of your healing journey.
People and Perspective
Think about how much time you want to spend with people and how much time you need by yourself. It takes energy to be with people. It takes a lot of energy to face something as emotional and sentimental as the holidays. If you need to take a moment to be alone or be with a smaller gathering, then that’s what you do.
Finally, what is the holiday? What is the real and important religious significance? What does this holiday mean to you in relation to its religious significance? What does it mean to you as a grieving person? How can you claim and celebrate that meaning in your grief?
Part Two: Toxic Families
A 2023 study from the Journal of Marriage and Family cites that more than a quarter of adult children are estranged from one or both parents. 26% reported estrangement from their fathers and 6% from their mothers. While it particularly affects younger generations the most, it touches all generations. I’ve had my own season of being estranged from my parents. I have several friends and talk with people on a regular basis who are experiencing or going through something similar. If this is you, you’re not alone.
There are a lot of reasons folks cut ties with family members. Chances are, you or someone you know has a distant or strained relationship with a relative. This is a tender and complex topic.
Some may be asking, why does this happen? How do tensions in families grow to a place where people say, “I can't see you anymore,” or “I can't talk to you anymore?”
The Root
According to Alison Cook, PhD, therapist and host of The Best of You podcast, we often find the seeds of estrangement take root through the lens of trauma. Typically, when were looking at adults being estranged from their parents, we find some history of trauma. Often, this is generational trauma where we find someone who says, “I can’t be in the presence of that person.”
This is usually the result of a pattern of behaviors, not necessarily the person, but behaviors that are best described as toxic. These are not one-off moments, but patterns of behavior over time. As we become adults, we recognize patterns of behaviors that are toxic. We say to ourselves, “They bring a poison to my soul for whatever reason in this season of my life or juncture of my journey. No matter how heartbreaking it is, I cannot put myself in the path of those behaviors.”
This is very difficult and painful. It’s also different than just cutting someone out of your life out of anger, revenge, hatred, or wanting to do them harm. That is not the same. This is a heartbreaking decision about one’s own health and sanity.
Varying Degrees of Estrangement
There are also levels of estrangement. Sometimes there is a complete disconnect. Sometimes people find ways to stay in connection or in relationship and still minimize exposure and harm. Yet, that happens in stages.
The first is identifying something is toxic and not exposing yourself to it anymore because you’ve experienced this since childhood or for too long. You realize it’s unhealthy for you. Typically, this has been going on for generations and may be systemic in the family dynamics. You can break this by saying, “I can’t/won’t do this anymore. I need to pursue health and wholeness for my sake and for the sake of my own family or children.” This is cycle breaking and you can stop the cycle of harm.
Next, establish limits of what you know you can do and cannot do. Knowing what your own capacity is allows you to have connection while establishing boundaries. When you feel abused, manipulated, or don’t have the core strength to hold your ground in that person’s presence, when boundaries are crossed, you can end the conversation, end the visit, whatever you need to do to reclaim a healthy and less toxic space.
Often, there is a guilt dynamic. That person’s behavior or your own sense of fault because whatever they’re doing evokes something in you that is inappropriate or ugly. You get angry or lash out. You end up participating in the toxicity. Removing yourself from that environment helps you establish boundaries. Boundaries help you develop inner reserves and strength so that you’re not knocked off your game when you’re around that person.
Whatever level you’re at, getting there is often heartbreaking, yet it is also healing. You may feel a sense of tremendous guilt, you may feel manipulated, yet you’ve also identified something that is untenable for you. Identifying what is harming you and creating space away from that source of harm or abusive behavior is the beginning of healing.
Proactive vs Reactive
You’re doing this to prevent harm to you, your family, and your children. You’re not doing this out of revenge or retaliation. You’re taking this step because you don’t like who you become when you’re overwhelmed by an environment of toxic behaviors.
We can talk about all sorts of things, religion, politics, Cardinals vs Cubs . . . if we can do it civilly. (Go Cards!) It’s when we begin to demean, disparage, or dehumanize someone because we have different opinions that we become the toxic person. On your path to growth and healing, sometimes you have to quarantine yourself from that environment or particular person.
Maybe down the road, after we’ve healed, we can reintroduce ourselves to the person and behaviors to see if we can tolerate them. Sometimes we can, sometimes we can’t. If we can’t then we know we have more healing to do.
Sometimes, the person with toxic behaviors has no ability to see where they’re at fault, no ability to feel remorse, or no ability to take accountability for their actions. These inabilities are not common nor normal. Most of us don’t have perfectly healthy parents, siblings, or families. Most of us are somewhere in the messy middle. Yet we have the capacity to grow. Is our situation that extreme? Or is there opportunity for reconciliation? Maybe you have a hard time with your parents, but they’re really good with your kids. It gets complicated.
Decisions
This leads us to make one of three decisions. Do you leave the relationship all together? Do you fight for change? (Because you think there’s potential for growth, healing, and relationship repair) Or, are you going to figure out how to suffer through it wisely?
The final option recognizes that there is something really wrong and really hard. It’s deciding not to expose yourself to it. While at the same time, it’s figuring out creative ways to minimize harm while also acknowledging there is good in maintaining some degree of the relationship intact.
Wisdom dictates the necessity of boundaries. There’s a lot of nuance to boundaries. Figure out what you need to thrive. Maybe you limit the time. Maybe you don’t spend time with them alone. Maybe you excuse yourself when certain topics of conversation come up. You refuse to engage in that conversation – you get up and go, or tell that person you’re not going to discuss this topic, or let your actions do the talking by changing the situation. You don’t have to be rude, maybe you need a drink refill or need to use the restroom or want some fresh air. Maybe you set a timer for two hours. Maybe you take a trusted friend or family member with you. Over time, you can develop the strength or skills to navigate these situations and remain healthy in a way that might allow some relationship for a good reason.
This may not always work. Sometimes, we do have to completely remove ourselves. It’s not one size fits all. It’s not all or nothing. Be wise, protect yourself, and honor the good where you can.
Holidays are not easy. I pray that this short guide will help you make your holidays a little healthier and that you find a little more healing. Most of all, I pray the peace, hope, and love of Jesus Christ is with you.
Pastor Daniel
